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I'm not in a writing mood so I'll leave you with pictures...

xxxxxxxxxmasssssss

Christmas seemed different this year. It was good, it just didn't feel like Christmas. Usually my first thought when i wake up Christmas morning is to run out into the living room and open presents, and I get this five year old mentality. I really just wanted to stay in bed this morning and sleep all day. Maybe it's the overall shittyness that's been going on lately, or the sudden drop in the number of friends to wish Merry Christmas to. Shit goes on......

I got the camera I wanted, I just wish my mom got me the right film so I could have something to do the rest of the time I'm in Connecticut. I'm pretty siked to start using it. The first place I'm going with it is Ocean Drive/Brenton Point and into the stables... Or just someplace completly new. I could use an escape for a day. Kristina if you read my blog, this means you.

Completly unrelated to Christmas, I've done a lot of thinking lately; and things are the way they are. I am the way I have always been, and I'm not changing. Whoever can't deal with that, plain and simple, should just choose not to. It's harsh, but I'm not a teenager anymore, who has to validate themselves with the number of people in their life. I'm 23 years old and I'm finally figuring out what it means when people say quality vs. quantity when it comes to friendships.

I see signs now all the time

I expect the impossible, and only get disappointed in the end. All the time. Everything is so bittersweet. Fuck, I can't put anything into words, it's too hard.

This weekend was pretty decent. Thursday night Kristina and I slept over Adam and Tim's house for a Christmas sleepover. We watched Christmas movies and made Christmas cookies, drank, and went to the Vanderbuilt in the middle of the night and hung out there with Mark.

Friday the snowstorm came and that night was my dad's work Christmas party, Adam and Tim came to that and we were siked on the open bar. Afterwards, Adam and I were going to make a giant snowman but we decided on going to Pour Judgement instead, so we did, Hunter came out and we all drank beers and had a pretty good time. I dropped Adam off and hung out with Hunter for the rest of the night. Saturday night was the Festivus party, and we were told to dress tacky so Kristina and I found the tackiest things we could find at Saver's.




I'm still insanely obsessed with the new Bloc Party album. I'm realizing that it gets better and better and better every time I listen to it.

I wish this mood would go away. I'm not angry, it's more of a bummed out, sad, blah, icky, can't-really-find-the-words-to-describe-it, kind of mood. I know where it's coming from, but I can't find a way to make it stop.


Look how cute Zeus is when he climbs the Christmas tree.

blew through me like bullet holes

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
what the fuck
fjkshdfkjsdcv7rwefbchbfvhjlrbe
fhglvberbevbfhbghfvbybre
fhvbfjlvhabvyerbv8r74vor4hgbfvlgrfg
vub8r47fbv84rgfb4yfbhb~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GBHgbfsdyfvigvbuyveprg

that is all.

ugh...

piss off

right now i love
bloc party "signs" at least 53 times a day
mangos mangos mangos
wine drunk
listening to christmas music when it's snowing out
best friends and friends that don't judge

i hate cold hands and i still hate jon and kate plus 8

i'm in need of a vacation. home, preferably. i need to be completely away from all the pointless bullshit that's going on here. even when i'm around the people who aren't making me feel like a shit human being and who love me dearly and vice versa, i'm still reminded of things. i need to be GONE. where i'm surrounded by completly different people who aren't a part of it. and who know nothing. and then come back here to the people i love, but i'll feel better. the things that are going on now, i haven't had to deal with since middle school. not high school.. but middle. it's completely insane and ridiculous. and i just want to get past it. i shouldn't even have to be writing this stuff in my blog for christ's sake. okay i'm done.

i'm on this diet thing i started and i'm starving. this is not fun. but i lost four pounds so far...

don't bother reading i'm rambling.

i've been antisocial for a week and didn't feel like doing anything or even talking to people a whole lot, but last night i gave in and went to providence and hung out with kristina and adam, adam's friend mike, and later on in the night lisa and jamie came out. i managed to steal a baby christmas tree off the table at the bar and kristina and i named him "toast" and laughed about chesse and celophane.

i put my christmas tree up today which i love and makes it feel more like christmas. and after providence place mall today i needed some nice christmas stuff. that place takes chrsitmas.. and throws it down on the ground in front of me and stomps on it and kills it. every time i'm there nov. 1-dec. 31. aside from that, i bought some good shit.

i can't stand accusations. being a friend is about trust. and i don't understand friends who tell me i'm lying, and accuse me of countless other things when they haven't even been around to see for themselves what is really going on. i'm not getting really into it on here because it's not something to be posted on the internet, but i will get into how unbelievably pissed and infuriated i am right now at the whole situation. my whole good mood that i gained back last night is 99% gone now. i'm so lost for words on the whole thing.

this post was lame. i guess i was just bored.

today is not a good day

1. i was up at 4am. wiiiide fucking awake. i don't know why. i tried to fall back asleep until 6:30. i didn't even come CLOSE. i gave up. so i got up and my mom made me breakfast and massive amounts of coffee. and then gave me a list of things to do which i actually asked for because what the fuck else am i going to do at 6:30am until a NORMAL time of day all jacked up on caffiene.

2. i kind of feel like shit.

3. NO store on this god damn island has the movie i'm looking for. none. i went to and/or called every one. so if anyone has the movie "eulogy" send it my way.

4. my fucking bank. same thing happened last week. ALL my money goes missing and then i only end up with something retarded like 2 bucks on my card and i get declined at someplace like fucking burger king. first of all it's embarassing, and second, everyone uses the line, "oh there should be money on there!" when i ACTUALLY should have close to 100 bucks on there! so i gave the food back.

5. i call the bank. hang up on the first person because she kept repeating herself and wouldn't answer my fucking question. and i couldn't understand her either because customer service people apparently have a problem hiring people who speak english. what a stupid thing to do. "HEY LET'S HIRE SOMEONE, TO SPEAK ON THE PHONE WITH PEOPLE, WHO CAN'T SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!!!" i'd like to curb stomp that brilliant mother fucker who decided that would be a good idea. i call again, this person sounded a bit better in the english department. but after i got into it, i was wrong. just as bad. and even more annoying. he only repeated himself. until i started screaming into the phone, told him fuck you and hung up. THIRD person, this one was british. i thought he would be helpful because i could understand him better. and while he could speak very proper english actually, he was just as much of a moron. and i hung up on him too. so, i'm stuck with no money, and plans tongiht.

6. so in the end, i have to cancel my plans tonight. nice. i'm so excited to stay in. when i've been in the past 3 days. hfkjdnvchgkbfhgbv uhrebvjhbvjbjdf

7. now it's only 2 something and i feel like i've been awake an entire day. and i'm painfully bored.

i'm going to go make some more coffee and watch home alone and feel sorry for myself.

ick

god i'm gross lately. i was looking at old pictures of me and i realized how much i let myself go to shit. fuck being off drugs this is lame. ha. kidding. but i weighed myself yesterday and almost screamed because since i'd say mid summer i've gained almost fifteen pounds.
i want to look how i used to:

or like this:

or anything that i'm not right now.
i feel disgusting.

christmas cookies

i just danced around my kitchen to christmas music making christmas cookies and guzzling gingerbread tea, i love christmas. i didn't burn the house down which is a good sign. maybe i'll make more soon.

my house if freezing. my fingers are so cold, it gets hard to do things with them like type, and my nose is freezing, it's constantly running. i hate this. i have like three layers on and nothing is helping. ughhh.

i want to get out of my shit mood. i turned my phone off today just because i don't feel like dealing with people. i'm doing the "ignore it and it will go away" approach. even though i know it's not going to help. i'll feel better for a little while and then it will all blow up in my face again.

we party

last night lisa had a birthday party. i don't really know what to say about it other than it was a party and we got drunk. so here are some pictures.



















god i look/feel like a fucking trainwreck lately. i need to start running again and not eating shit. gross.